Dining with Disgust

Teachings in tantra will have you learn that everything is holy. You are holy, a church is holy, miracles are holy. But rotting corpses, maggots, shit and garbage are holy too.

I have been pondering this for the last little while and took a hiatus from answering messages, which I just cannot seem to keep up with. Contemplating whether or not to remove social media from my phone for a time and go on a cleanse.

The reason I have been contemplating the idea that all things are holy stems from this strange feeling I've had for a while that I couldn't seem to find a word for.

I found it tonight, disgust.

I am repulsed by men. Besides maybe two close friends I actually talk to daily and my brother, I am repulsed by every single man that messages me. Friends, people with love interests... you name it... and I couldn't figure out why. It is actually quite frustrating because I do enjoy having conversations with quite a few of them.

So, this interesting turn to disgust felt rather unjust. As it turns out there are many reasons but only a few of them truly matter.

1) Most of the men messaging me are empty, they don't excite me, they are boring, they bring nothing to the table.

It's a never-ending cascade of "How are you?" with no informational or constructive value. I don't want to tell 100 people a day how I am, it's really none of your business. I don't care if it's a polite way to start a conversation. I'm fucking great. I'm single, I am a Pro-Domme, I live alone so I am GREAT thank you. It's also standard for me, if you can't write, I don't bite.

2) They desire something I am unwilling to give and don't take a hint and I can smell their intentions from miles away.

"Sex, companionship, sex, companionship, sex, companionship. Teach me this, teach me that, collaborate with me (you have to do all the work because I have no gear and don't know how)"

Them,"Pick me." Me, "I'm picking me right now." Them, "But when you're ready, pick me" Me, "Can you shut the fuck up? It's a polite no. A polite, I am picking me for the next 5 years honey."

3) They are in-genuine or seem like they genuinely just like to see themselves talk, write or comment.

Starting conversations with themselves in my inbox about things that make absolutely no sense. Which is fine I suppose, but if they understood the level of DREAD that I have even looking at my phone for fear I am going to have to ignore someone... They would write or comment to anyone else. Or... start a blog like I did.

4) The inability to actually flirt, or court. OR the ones who are good at it have already been friend-zoned and are now overstepping a boundary.

Flirting is actually such an interesting thing. Your "How are you?" each morning just doesn't make me fancy talking to you at all. You could, send me a poem... tell me something interesting you learned today. Truly think about who I am as a person and try that, or try asking me what I like. I am not sure I have ever met a better flirt than myself, and going on a date all you hear is regurgitated bullshit.

It just feels like nobody has any creativity anymore and people wonder why girls like psychopaths. -.-

5) They do, say, or look like something that reminds me of people, who have in the past, violated me physically or have violated my boundaries.

This would be the biggest and most important reason at this point in my life. It happens a lot. I don't want to share with you that you remind me of a rapist. That means I have to talk about it and it's going to make you feel shitty.

As it turns out, it doesn't matter how much of a stone you are, if someone rapes you... there's going to be side-effects.

This doesn't mean that every man in my inbox is a rapist, it just means that until the wound isn't as fresh and as long as no new and similar wounds compound on top...those who remind me of men who have hurt me, are going to disgust me. You can turn me ALL the way off from wanting to talk just by having similar wording choices, similar actions, looks, vibes... it's stupid easy right now. I try not to project my past onto others... but in reality, if you remind me of any of these people, I don't want you in my life anyways.

6) I am simply not interested at the moment in making new friends or lovers and I need the numbers to go down. Aggressively. I am tired. Overwhelmed.

The disgust I feel picking up my phone seeing the sheer numbers of men messaging me. Even tattling on themselves saying things like "I'm not like other men, I don't even date" but then saying "How's you and your boyfriend?" Hmmm, unless you actively go fishing and build your own flies, you should stop trying it on me.

7) They are trying to teach me something or offer advice on something I didn't even ask them about. -.- WITHOUT asking if I might be open to their lesson, generally about something I am doing or have done.

Usually about my business, radio show or how women should look. First of all, I am a step ahead of you on business stuff. If you don't think I know what I am doing when it comes to business, I have been laying a foundation for things you have no clue about. I'm truly calculated when it comes to my business. ^.^ As for how women should look, fuck you.

????

Yet everything is holy. I recognize my flaws here and I recognize that these things are not without a bit of bias and unnecessary judgement.

Also, I recognize I placed myself here, this was my choice. My wish as a younger me. I just wish I knew how to manage it better. I wish I could compartmentalize all the people that want something from me. Or, I wish I could charge them for it. I've tried to be meaner...

I have a high pride level and my values make it so I don't like steering things towards transaction if I can help it. I know and have studied some of the arts of cam-girl seduction. I could just make them pay, because the sheer numbers. Wow!

It is crazy to me how many people are longing for something. It's crazy too how many people don't even know what they are longing for, they'll take anything that looks like it might fill a void. It's even crazier how many people don't put in any effort, they think simply that because you're nice means that you aren't a goddess that requires tribute. The right kind of tribute. ITS EVEN CRAZIER, how many people think they have something you NEED.

Please little lovers, you have nothing I need unless you want to run all my errands for me and get nothing but my gratitude in return. I will admit, you have your holy place in the grand scheme of things.

I will be taking a step inwards this summer. My social battery is drained, my cups are empty and I have nothing to give to the world right now.

I'm not a fan of when I get disgusted by an entire group of people, I want to understand and value people. So, when I feel the desire to vomit every time someone comments on my things, or they message me, or they even exist in any nearby vicinity... then I obviously need to step away. It's getting to the point I don't even want to post for the fear that some guy is going to interact with me on any level.

It's insane.

Perhaps my interactions with men throughout my life have affected me more than I hoped they would. They make me want to die.

I'm not quite a misandrist, I am a feminist though.

People out there complaining about being ghosted should perhaps try to recognize that it means you may have to change your game or change your aim. Perhaps also, those people complaining about being ghosted have never been on the end of a busy phone. I recognize this, that's why I try to show I care... to too many people.

It is my biggest issue, that I am too open to too many people. I care too much for too many. I do my best to keep my values and integrity with all the people that I interact with each day. It also means, everyone gets cut for some time while I tighten my circle. It is exhausting.

*waves*

Unfortunately this is not the sea and I am not hungry. It would be easier if I could just eat you all.

HOWEVER, also, this might mean that it's time to explore another and extremely important part of sex-magick which is the broadening of ones experiences...specifically with same-sex sexuality. I think it's high time I practice sex magick with other women.

Once the idea of sex doesn't disgust me...

So interesting that the tantric siren/ amateur porn star would find herself here and not even because of porn. My fans in porn are god-sends, they are understanding and only desire something simple. A film. They aren't pushy either. These feelings are brought about by people who aren't even privy to my pornography. It's the list of people actively trying to get into my inner circle. It's very confusing. But it has offered me a unique opportunity to dive into the depths of my subconscious and conscious mind, to learn about myself and how I relate to the world.

It has also offered me a way to understand how to find closure with some of the more invasive memories of my past. I have also been pondering, if everything I see or judge in others is a kind of reflection of myself....and I feel others are fake, does that mean I am fake. Or, in what ways am I fake?

Does everyone contemplate these kinds of things?

Would you have sex on a pile of rotting corpses? Do you understand why someone might? Do you understand why I might not want to talk to you? Do you understand what, "Can you wait until I reach out? I have been really busy lately," means? Does anyone listen, or even better, re-read what they type? Do I?

Do you ever feel like the world isn't real or you aren't real?

Who am I even asking these questions too? Please don't answer. Not right now.

“I wanted to be where nobody I knew could ever come.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar