He just tryna get high, I'm tryna see the lows.

I don't mind talking, we can just work it out. Say hi to my demons, they just be walking round.

Episode 400 million and 2, of digging into the infernal and learning more about myself.

You are only as strong as the weakest link, I have a pack of wolves inside of me and they all get fed, regularly.

Tonight I am feeling like Dante in the layers of hell and I am almost to the destination. But a song came on my Spotify and I had heard it before, but I dove into the lyrics a bit deeper and it is the exact replica of what I am like in relationships now. Something to work on? I am undecided.

Generally, if I start contemplating these things, it's for good reason.

There is nothing I hate more than someone thinking they know more than me, but never asking me the deeper things, or never letting me talk. How could you possibly know that I have nothing to teach you if you never let me speak?

Not only do I not like it, I find it very disrespectful. I come off like a sweet, naive little girl..., especially to people who deserve it. If they don't deserve the sweeter side of me, then I am just being quiet because I have learned over the years not to argue with donkeys.

My ego is gigantic, if I showed it most would think I was incredibly arrogant and I can be... incredibly arrogant. But if you ask the few who have gotten super close enough to see... I am always right, respectfully. I have good reason to feed my ego, I was never allowed to have one and I am an extremely observant person... but you can't tell me I need to be more assertive and then not let me be.

I choose to be nice. Keep that in mind when you approach me. I am a demon, naturally. It takes me immense energy to be 'nice'. I could cut a giant down in less than a sentence and have. I have also given away my power to awful people who walked all over me. If I didn't have such an obsession with being merciful and non-reactive, I would spit venom on far too many people. My explosions aren't like an angry man on testosterone, my explosions take out reinforced buildings and shatter ideologies. My explosions are aggressively iconoclastic. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of. Don't mistake the sweet appearance, I am a siren.

Saying I'm smart while knowing nothing about me, is more disrespectful than just neglecting the conversation at all.

Which brings me to this song. I like to leave easter eggs to the deeper, meaner parts of myself for those willing to give a fuck enough to look. I am of the mind, that "if they don't ask, they don't care" The older I get, the more I find that it is true.

However, I don't like keeping secrets, I have high expectations from others, especially lovers. I expect them to care enough to truly listen. I expect them not to run on long-winded monologues unless they are really excited. I expect them to show me the same respect I show them. I don't need them, so if they are not adding to my life, they are in my way.

I live on a very ancient honour code. Honour it, or fall victim to the ocean baby.

You best believe that I know at the first sign of these little rude gestures that my trust and faith in 'trying really hard at this' goes into the gutter. I didn't come to earth for love and I don't mind letting it leave me by just, disconnecting. I don't have time for it and at that point, I'm just killing time and using it as a practice ground for meticulously organizing my feelings and practicing sex magick.

I suppose I would try really hard to change some of these silent observing habits for the right person, as I have done before. But after getting burnt and burnt and burnt, trying to love people who are unable to match my effort... I just don't put in as much effort, or instead, I now just match theirs.

However, I do keep tabs and I stew about it. I do.

https://youtu.be/BZxzUS9Ge2E

Dounia - 50/50

"Wanna have you looking back like. Like where the fuck I lacked, why? I'ma keep it a stack, had my feelings falling flat I gathered what was left just to spill it on a track Damn, is this what I attract? Empty boys, who love impulse and never feel my disconnect? Observe their love and treat that shit like something to dissect Never got me, never have, my sordid experiment...

But I'm so pretty, pretty, down to the nitty-gritty, just undecided, shifty, always fifty-fifty Well-intentioned, I just might've failed to mention, sometimes I get disconnected. Don't pay no mind, attention to me."

Well if that doesn't exactly replicate my shadow side in love, I don't know what does. Also, I wish that some of these boys who did listen had balls. Why is it that the confident arrogant ones who talk talk talk, get through the door even though they are overcompensating for some secret lack mentality? But these quiet sad little pages never get the dance? Well, the sad ones are just as arrogant, in fact, it's covert. I would say, it's even worse than someone who owns their demons. I suppose... I am covert about mine too, they run deep and I am trying to fix them, so I am hyper-focused on them right now. ;)

I will just bring my shadows to the light and hope that people read this before they write their love letters. Stupid boys.

I have some aggression to work through after the sexual assaults. How dare someone just uses my divine body for their pleasure that way. Never again. This is my palace. My fucking temple, and unless you're willing to sit and have tea with the dragons inside, you will only ever get a taste of the drug I could offer you. Do you have to work for that? Yes, you have riddles to pass and I give hints. I am both Persephone and Hades. Who would you like to meet? I'll give you a hint, Persephone is a liar.

Points to the song...What is she saying? What does she mean? You're welcome.