Stuck in a supporting role.

This may feel to you like a diary post of sorts, a recall of experience let's say hopefully from the place of wisdom and a victimless story. I have only ever been a victim of my own choices. Whether I didn't raise my hand, stand up to violent people, or stand up for myself... are choices made out of ignorance or fear.

The fear of being unloved. The fear of being too loud. The fear of being no different than the violence I wanted to end. See I have been progressively trained to be a good girl for nearly 28 years. I place lovers in positions of authority and they take that authority and run like the wind with it.

So, now I have found myself in a pickle you see. I am again faced with a choice I had to make before and it's the choice to deal with whether modern or traditional values are important to me in my relationships with others, in matters of the heart.

Trained little me would agree that through love we can overcome anything and everything, it's my duty to be a supporting role in the growth of my partner. If that means standing by him while he makes me small, then I must stand by him for love.

But the version of me that I met briefly in my teenage years, the modern woman, the strong-minded, workaholic, boss bitch? She strongly disagrees. She believes that for each partner, love needs to be honest and build each other up, not wear them down. She believes in love too, but she believes that love isn't something that causes this much emptiness. She is screaming to be let out, she is screaming, "Let me love you, let me show you what I mean."

There are many things in life I have put aside to play a supporting role. I have a fear of growing too big for the people around me. I've been taught so well and did my homework enough that I do this to myself now. I don't even need help, but I look for partners who will do the same thing so that I can continue the cycle.

People don't see the mental games I let lovers play with me, I hide it well. Professional masker one could say, but I am sick of the mask. My shadow side is telling me it's time to scream, and my consciousness agrees. I will no longer fear whether or not a partner is going to be able to meet my friends. I will no longer fear whether or not I am going to be able to work this evening without having an emotional war with another person. I will no longer stand for anything but honour. I will no longer let people beat me down over time. I will no longer tolerate those who say I am "too smart, too much better, too this or too that" to the point that they stump their own growth.

When I say we are together, we grow together and if you are going to hold me back because you're holding back yourself. I will kick you out of my circle.

This is a spell, a consideration of my goals and a manifestation of my heart. I am not to be abused and I will not be placed in a situation where someone consistently makes me the enemy of the people around me.

"I have a heart of gold, but my hands are cold"

- Halsey

Do NOT let people destroy your faith in yourself. The right people will help you grow and they won't be jealous of your growth.

Love is when you are happy they are growing because that means you will too.

Love is opportunistic, not rude.

Love isn't sex.

Love is shaving those places for each other that you suck at reaching so you both look like vogue models at a photoshoot.

Love doesn't mind when you don't put out.

Love doesn't care if you sent nudes or not. Love just appreciates it if you share what's on your mind.

Scorpions love and hate with the same gusto and you best believe this scorpion was blind a little too long and never realized they were being backed into a corner.

Anyone I was before now was nothing but a beat-down girl afraid to shine for fear it might hurt those around her... Or for fear that I will have to smooth a roller coaster over with someone who never listened to me anyways. Someone who then went and practiced dishonesty right in my blind spot. He may be a snake charmer, but I'm not a snake I remember that now, I have legs and a stinger.

I am the first-born daughter of a long line of healers and madmen. I am a magician, yet I've been feeling so meek, so powerless, used. This makes no sense.

By that logic, I am not a master magician at all. If the only consistent thing is change, I will embrace my place in this war this time instead of fighting. Want to see me as an evil bitch? That's fine, but instead, I will show you what an evil witch looks like. I know a few too many things about how to play with a few too many energies and karma is one of them.

Curses are blessings, so when I begin, you're welcome. I hope you learn, but to hope you find peace. I hope you find that you created your hell, just as I found I created mine. You don't need me and I don't need you. I wanted you, which is a very special difference I am sure you will learn when I am no longer here to save, support, and build you.

My warrior is here to pick up my pieces. She is pissed off that I let it get this bad. She's pissed I didn't learn the first several times. She is pissed I have been recreating stories that are long dead. She's happy that I didn't have children. She is happy I am learning not to beat me down anymore. She's happy I am changing whose hands are on the wheel.

Don't let people drain your power unless you know how to get it back.

~Tabetha Chrysalis Samhain ~ Pluto ~ Leviathan ~ Tigress

Student of Magick

Daughter of the Sinister Current