Void sees the donkey.

I have been trying to make sense of different emotions in my mind and where they come from. I know half of them are from how I am physically feeling. However, I am also aware that I am stuck in a bit of a cycle here... I am depressed, due to my inability to process grief at the speed of light. Due to the depressive episode, my immune system has dropped. So, I am feeling like utter garbage.

Then I have people wanting things from me, things like attention, affection, care, time, for me to make dinner, me to dress up, me to please them...I think about how I am better off alone.

I'm incredibly tantric, on point, and horny... when I am alone.

Tantra would have you place yourself outside of your comfort zone, a good LHP tantric (while this is mostly up to you) would use this as an opportunity to grow. At the same time, an LHP tantric wouldn't necessarily be "tied down".

I am where I promised I wouldn't go again... in a previous post no less. I am a submissive and didn't mind being one, till he was here every day.

I wasn't horny today, but I am a people pleaser and find it easier to have sex than to potentially disappoint, so I had sex anyways. I cried. Not in a good way, did I tell him to stop? I did not because I didn't want him to. I am a masochist and sometimes not in a healthy way.

He knew something wasn't right because he looked for validation afterward. To which I gave him a little, honestly. I don't think he pushed me too far, but I may have pushed myself too far.

But I also recognized afterward that I split hard when confronted about my emotions. I realized my lack of trust runs deeper than I ever wanted it to. I do not trust a damn soul with my feelings and I don't share with anyone but you what I'm truly thinking. The way I look at it, it's my business.

I will never be the wife and I am not afraid to admit that I have an evil side. I don't trust that I am not going to be played, especially in sex games, so now, I play a gambit. I sacrifice a physical part of myself to be a step ahead. But it hurts us, doesn't it? It always feels like I leave a little something behind that I didn't want to leave behind.

Do you know what it means when they say, "the donkey sees the well, the well sees the donkey,"?

It crosses my mind every time I ponder things like this. I've been coasting and haven't been making decisions. I haven't been working or grinding... but I haven't had a break either. Trying to propel me through the depths of my mind to find what I need, is like pulling teeth from a tiger. You can see them clear as day... but good luck getting close to touching one without losing an arm.

I have been grumpy. I need space or a different kind of intimacy. But people are too busy for me, or I too busy for them.

I digress... I asked one of my shadows to visit him in his dreams, give him a scare, for making me cry. In retrospect, he didn't do anything except take what was given freely to him tonight. I suppose it's a little rude to curse him with one of my demons, but I have to exercise them regularly or I will find those faults too prominent in others.

It's my way of being selfish and on god, I hate selfishness in others. I see it every day, I have maybe one or two friends that aren't incredibly selfish or greedy. Those who aren't... are the ones that think they are. I have friends unintentionally stepping on my toes, and stealing thunder, which I assumed I am entitled to. I'm a joke to think I am entitled to it. I also know, if I wanted that thunder, I could get it and do it better because I have years of skill in them.

...

They can have it. I recognize I need to allow myself to be a bit selfish right now. I need to give myself some time to process some grief and I need to learn to trust people. Another joke of course.

It's my business, my brain. Don't think for a second you can assume what's going on in it. The further into it you try to weasel yourself, the farther away from the truth you will be. The reality is, I am hurting. About what? Doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with you, leave it at that.

I don't need love. Don't distract me.

Just know the biggest gifts you could give me right now, is your willingness to understand, your desire to learn, and your ability to be patient.

When I said I was the architect of my kodokushi... I fully understood what I said and I fully understand that I become what I say.