When you know, you know.

Awakenings hurt, they always will if they are real.

There is no false awakening but when my ego rises and I feel proud or I feel happy that I know something others don't, I am not awakening.

My awakenings have a heavy weight, a feeling, I am alone in this knowledge. Heavy.

I can take it to others, present it in layman's terms and they won't hear me. They won't understand what I mean. They won't see it or they will talk about all they know and invalidate my knowledge. They can do what they wish, I knew they wouldn't hear... I just get excited.

I do love knowing things, I like feeling the future, I enjoy reading minds... when my ego is in it. But for the most part this isn't something that makes me happy, this makes me sad. I don't feel smarter then or better than most. I feel alone.

Not having the fire of the ego present can make you feel pretty empty but it's important for me to go through this, this way.

I know when to keep silent and when to speak. When to learn and when to teach.

You learn a lot about people by just being quiet... you learn a lot about yourself too.

I get excited sometimes and my childlike wonder yells to be heard, but I have learned where and who I can go to with that. I have tightened my circle. I know whose cups I can fill, and who fills mine and I am incredibly blessed to have learned and found value in this at my age.

When you're silent, you can hear people reach out days sometimes weeks before they even know what they are feeling.

However my 'passive backbone' is a common complaint of people who think they can help me by teaching me something about standing my ground or speaking my mind. Those with this complaint are the exact people who don't hear.

I see you. My passivity, my kindness, is not a weakness unless it is without boundaries.

Society determines longevity and health by your social life, and while I can have what looks like a functional social life... I am meant to be lonely, I will always be a little misunderstood and a lot lonely. I am supposed to have many teachers and in having many...knowing I have none.

I need to be hurt, to be betrayed, to feel alone, to feel unheard. Extremity, the path I chose a long long long time ago. I remember. But I didn't always and it never made sense growing up. I know now... almost as deep as my sorrows... why.

It must become me and I must become it. It will transmute it will change, and then I will teach, a muse to the world perhaps. A light, to drive those who find me through their hells, a guide. A spiritual doula, maybe.

It's not a punishment, not karma (well some). But it can hurt and sometimes spiritual paths can try to invalidate the feeling because "you know why it happens" but don't allow this to not weigh heavy. These emotions are incredibly heavy. Allow it. If you are on this path too, being a lone wolf is sad, I am sorry.

However, it's important to know when you do accept your path, you won't be as alone as you may have felt up until now.

The limelight has always called to me but it's somewhere I have never been comfortable standing in, but when the time comes... when I know it's right... I have something to teach all of you about loneliness, pain and pure love.

There are things you need to be reminded of about in Magick, Death and power and I am supposed to remind you about the wonder of it all. However the time isn't quite right, I am supposed to be a little older.

I will leave you with this:

Step outside your day to day, step outside your worries when you're ready, your career, your material goals and just look at how interesting everything is. Isn't it interesting?

Let it become you.